Appearance: Divisive hoofer.
I thought we had got rid of Spicer long ago. Me too. His time in the spotlight, as Donald Trump’s communications director, was brief but intense. Remember when he lied about how many people attended Trump’s inauguration? Remember when he hid “among bushes” to escape the press? Remember that time he sort of defended Hitler during a White House press briefing? What an absolute berk.
So why are we talking about him now? Because he’s back, baby! Tonight Spicer makes his debut as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, the American version of Strictly Come Dancing.
Really? Sure, why not?
Pardon? Of course he does. This is what shows like Dancing with the Stars are for.
Are you sure? Yes! Look, Spicer’s fellow contestants are all relentlessly beige. There’s James Van Der Beek (he of Dawson’s Creek fame), there’s Christie Brinkley, there’s a supporting character from The Office. It’s full of people you feel nothing for. At least Spicer makes you feel something.
Yes, blind hatred. It still counts. And it isn’t even as if he’s the most controversial contestant ever to take part in one of these shows.
I’m sure he is. No, he isn’t. In 2006, Dancing with the Stars hired the rightwing pundit Tucker Carlson. In 2009, it hired the pro-gun former House majority leader Tom DeLay. A year later, it hired Sarah Palin’s daughter. It hired one of Trump’s ex-wives. It even hired Rick Perry, Trump’s energy secretary. He actually makes bad decisions, rather than just parroting them.
How is Spicer going down? Terribly. After the lineup was announced, his fellow contestant Karamo Brown, of Queer Eye, described Spicer as a “good guy”. The backlash was so profound that Brown had to delete his Twitter account. God knows what sort of chaos there will be if Spicer actually turns out to be good at dancing.
Will he be good? Absolutely not. It will be a miracle if he doesn’t get tangled up in a curtain and accidentally decapitate someone.
So his inclusion is just a bit of fun? That’s right. Like when Ann Widdecombe appeared on Strictly Come Dancing.
Was that fun? Yes! It turned her into a household name and she presented a quizshow, and then … oh, she was re-elected as a Brexit party MEP and used her platform to compare Brexit to slaves revolting against their owners. Oh God, this is a terrible idea.
Do say: “I won’t watch Dancing with the Stars because Sean Spicer is a contestant.”
Don’t say: “But I’ll be first in line when Eric Jr signs up.”