Column: Top 10 Trump-approved impeachment talking points: It’s a coup, probably a satanic one!

Chicago Tribune 2 months ago

Our heroic president, Donald J. Trump, has bravely decided to defend himself against an expanding impeachment inquiry by saying: “Nope.”

In an eight-page letter delivered to congressional Democrats, White House counsel Pat Cipollone wrote that “President Trump and his administration cannot participate in your partisan and unconstitutional inquiry.”

Can’t impeach him if he doesn’t participate, libs. Checkmate! (It’s nice to finally have a real president who knows that when Congress tries to impeach you, all you have to do is RSVP “No” and the charges are immediately dropped. It’s in the Constitution, folks.)

While Tuesday’s “thanks, but no thanks” letter should be the end of things, the Democrats and the FAKE NEWS media are bound to keep banging the impeachment drum, claiming they have “a right” under “the law” to “hold a president accountable” because he asked the Ukrainian president to interfere in the upcoming presidential election and the evidence of this impeachable offense is in the rough transcript the White House itself released.

What a bunch of hooey.

To properly defend President Trump from these scurrilous accusations, TRUE PATRIOTS must learn the Top 10 White-House-approved Impeachment Talking Points. Please memorize these and recite them:

1) Trump’s phone call with the Ukrainian president was perfect. Absolutely perfect. There has never been a more perfect phone call.

It should be held up as a model for all future phone calls. (We will not provide a full, unedited transcript of that phone call because it’s locked in a top-secret server and we forgot the password because former President Barack Obama used his Muslim mind-control powers on us.)

2) Trump was just joking when he phoned the Ukrainian president and encouraged him to investigate the Democratic presidential candidate he considers the biggest threat to his reelection. He was also joking when he later encouraged the Chinese government to do the same thing.

It was all just a joke, as Republican Sen. Marco Rubio said of Trump’s China comment.

Just a perfect joke phone call that was followed by equally perfect joke comments the president made from the White House lawn encouraging foreign leaders to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. Hilarious.

3) At the heart of Trump’s perfect joking attempts to enlist foreign leaders to investigate people who coincidentally happen to be his political rivals is the president’s long-standing passion for combating corruption. President Trump HATES corruption, and he will engage in as many corrupt acts as necessary to halt corruption, which is what he was trying to do when he made his perfect joke requests to China and the Ukraine.

America’s fight against corruption has never been more perfect, or more hilariously delivered.

4) Should anyone find fault in Trump’s staunch anti-corruption perfect jokes, it’s important to remember that it was all Energy Secretary Rick Perry’s idea.

As Axios reported last week, Trump told Republican House members, “The only reason I made the call was because Rick asked me to.”

So there. A joking, corruption-busting, totally innocent phone call that was perfect, but also a joke, and had nothing to do with President Trump because it was all Rick Perry’s idea.

5) The White House is refusing to cooperate in any way with the Democrats’ impeachment inquiry, as was announced in a White House letter delivered to Nervous Nancy Pelosi and others on Tuesday.

The administration could present endless testimony and evidence that would fully exonerate the president of any wrongdoing, but it’s not going to present a thing. That’s a justified tactic outlined on page 102 of the highly respected book, “Things Totally Innocent People Do When They’re Totally Innocent.”

To summarize, the White House will provide no evidence or cooperation that might help prove that President Trump’s Corruption-Destroying Joke Phone Call of Perfection, which was Rick Perry’s idea, was, in fact, a Corruption-Destroying Joke Phone Call of Perfection (and Rick Perry’s idea).

6) People must understand that while all the things Trump did or did not do (but definitely did) at Perry’s insistence are 110% lawful, there are myriad corrupt and demonic things Democrats are doing.

7) By using their constitutional authority as a co-equal branch of government, the Democrat-controlled House is engaging in a coup, probably a Satanic one.

8) By encouraging a so-called whistleblower to follow the appropriate channels and recognizing the importance of government whistleblower protections, the Democrats clearly planted the whistleblower, wrote the whistleblower’s report, paid the whistleblower off with money from billionaire liberal financier George Soros and, also, the whistleblower is probably Hillary Clinton wearing a mask.

9) Democratic Rep. Adam Schiff, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee and the de facto leader of the impeachment inquiry, is, as Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani tweeted Sunday, “a serial liar involved in a conspiracy to remove our lawfully elected President by lies and false charges.”

10) Schiff is also being controlled by a cursed wood elf who leads the Deep State. His name is Tilmandel and, given the chance, he’ll cast a Spell of Silence on all Trump supporters and feed their children to orcs.

Recite these talking points as often as possible, and remember our beloved President Trump’s words from last July: “What you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening.”

Also remember George Orwell’s words: “The party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.”

rhuppke@chicagotribune.com

If you thought this column stunk, you should read the rest of Rex Huppke’s drivel! Follow his Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/RexIsAJerk/ to stay in the loop.


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