DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN looking at my partner’s phone, I found he has seen an escort for a “happy ending”. I am heartbroken and feel I will never be good enough.
I was tidying up and saw my boyfriend’s phone lying on the floor by his bedside table. When I moved it the screen lit up and it was obvious he had been looking at porn sites. I was shocked.
I then looked further at his messages and discovered his visit to the escort.
My boyfriend is 33, I’m 32 and we have been together for eight years. We have a son of six.
We have a regular and healthy sex life, enjoy lots of different positions and so on, so I can’t understand why he should be looking elsewhere for excitement.
We had a bit of a bumpy ride some years ago when I discovered he had been looking at porn while I was away caring for my mum who was ill.
He also has a history of using escorts, although this was before we moved in together.
When I got pregnant with our son he promised me he was a changed man and I thought we had put it all behind us.
Now I am constantly looking for evidence that he might be cheating, or wanting to cheat, because I am not good enough for him.
Sometimes he doesn’t finish when we have sex and I keep wondering if he has been elsewhere or is getting his thrills from porn.
I am so anxious about it all that I can’t even bring myself to speak to him about what I have discovered. Last time I said that we would be over if I discovered he’d ever done it again, but a broken family is the last thing I want for our little boy. He adores his dad.
Why am I never good enough for him?
DEIDRE SAYS: This is nothing to do with you not being good enough for your partner but he gets a special kick from forbidden sex and maybe selfish sex, where he calls all the shots and hasn’t got to worry about satisfying his partner.
It’s understandable you don’t want to break up your little boy’s home if your partner is a good dad. You don’t have to carry out that threat.
Tell your partner you need a serious talk. Say what you’ve discovered and how hurt you are. A lot of online porn these days is violent and horribly exploitative of women. Is he really the sort of person to get off on material like that?
Be 100 per cent clear that going to escorts is not on in future. These women are very often abuse survivors. What is he doing subsidising an industry like that?
If he’s struggling to finish sometimes when you have sex, try ideas in my e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex.