The Chicago Bears are on a four-game losing streak, but the team can swiftly save its season by adopting President Donald Trump’s approach to reality.
For example, why acknowledge a four-game losing streak when you can just as easily claim a four-game winning streak and call anyone who questions that stretch of success an unpatriotic liar?
Sunday’s Bears game against the Philadelphia Eagles was a mess, particularly the first half, with the Bears managing a total of 9 yards on offense. That’s one view of it, anyway.
Another could be: “I read the stat sheet of Sunday’s game and it was a perfect game. The only ones who think otherwise are Green Bay Packers fans and their allies in the FAKE NEWS media!!”
See what I mean?
About 40% of the country believes Trump’s upside-down-and-backward version of real life, so perhaps the Bears organization could gaslight an equivalent chunk of its fan base.
There are ample similarities.
Trump has a large group of supporters willing to believe anything that makes them feel like their side is winning. And he has Democrats and the media as foils.
The Bears organization has a devoted fan base that wants more than anything to have a team that’s winning. And the team has the Green Bay Packers and the media as foils.
This could be the greatest Chicago Bears team in history, if only team officials were willing to unequivocally say it’s so.
Look at what Trump is managing to pull off.
On Sunday night, he tweeted this, relating to the ongoing congressional impeachment inquiry over his now-infamous, dirt-seeking phone call with the Ukrainian president:
“False stories are being reported that a few Republican Senators are saying that President Trump may have done a quid pro quo, but it doesn’t matter, there is nothing wrong with that, it is not an impeachable event. Perhaps so, but read the transcript, there is no quid pro quo!”
Those are actual words the president of the United States of America sent out on Twitter. Yes, it sounds like he had a stroke mid-tweet. Yes, it’s both riddled with internal inconsistencies and, seemingly, an admission of guilt. And no, it doesn’t make any sense.
But does that matter to Trump’s base of supporters? Not at all. What matters is that everything is perfect, they are winning at everything and anyone who thinks otherwise is a dopey loser who hates America.
With that in mind, I propose the Bears front office immediately release the following Trumpian statement as a first step toward returning the (allegedly) 3-5 team to respectability:
The Chicago Bears won a staggering victory Sunday over the TERRIBLE and CHEATING Philadelphia Eagles, gaining many, many yards on offense and in no way losing or making any mistakes at all.
While the FAKE NEWS media continue to claim the Bears have lost four games (LIES!) in a row, real fans know the truth. Our Bears have NEVER been greater! We are 8-0 and have won every game and will win the Super Bowl convincingly because we have, quite simply, the best people. Only the best.
Quarterback Mitch Trubisky looks like Joe Montana in his prime and the defense makes the 1985 Bears defense look like TOTAL LOSERS. (Many are saying this, we hear it all the time)
Head Coach Matt Nagy is a winner. It’s all he knows how to do. He has won all his life, in everything he’s ever done, and people who say that’s not true are just jealous of all his winning. We often ask Coach Nagy, “Coach, aren’t you sick of all this winning.” And he responds, “Nope. I never get sick of winning.”
Of course you’ve got truly stupid people out there like Lyin’ Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers who say the Bears have not won all their games. And the media — the real enemy of the Bears — play along and say Nagy should be impeached. IMPEACHED! How do you impeach a head coach who has done nothing but win?
Since Nagy became coach, the Bears have the best record in football, the strongest merchandise economy in the National Football League and an agreement to denuclearize North Korea. Also, the team has started building a big, beautiful wall around Soldier Field to HALT the invasion of illegal Packers fans.
We don’t want ‘em in Soldier Field. They’re bringing cheese, and they’re not sending us their best.
So we’re building the wall around Soldier Field, and best of all, Wisconsin is paying for it. THE WALL IS BEING BUILT!
But to really win, we have to shut down the whistleblowers, or the so-called referees. People like Lyin’ Rodgers and NFL Commissioner Shifty Roger Goodell and the TOTAL LIARS in the media are listening to the whistleblowers and saying the Bears have lost five of eight games and are on a four-game losing skid.
FALSE! There is no SKID PER SE!! We have released the game transcripts and it’s clear that these were all perfect games. NO SKID PER SE.
And even if there was, it wouldn’t matter because there’s nothing wrong with a skid, per se. But there hasn’t been one, and there won’t be one, so it doesn’t matter and anyone who says it does is a lying hateful Packers fan.
The Bears will win and win and win, for as long as we say it is so.
As the team’s fight song goes:
"Bear down, Chicago Bears, every play clears the way to certain victory/ Bear down, Chicago Bears, we will win because we say so tirelessly.”