Name: Wag wars.
Age: Brand new.
Appearance: Arguably the greatest thing that has ever happened in the entire history of the internet.
That’s a bold claim. Yes, but it still stands. Books will be written about the rivalry between Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy. Plays will be staged. Their faces will be carved into mountains.
Why, exactly? You didn’t see? OK, here’s the short version: at 10:29am on Wednesday morning, Rooney tweeted a long and rollicking tale of intrigue via a screenshot from the Notes app. Someone, she said, had been passing the Sun information contained in her private Instagram stories. So she set a trap.
A trap? Yes. Rooney says she blocked everyone but one person from accessing her stories, and then made up a series of elaborate lies to see if they would still reach the newspaper.
What lies are we talking about? There was a story about her signing up to Strictly Come Dancing, and one about her flying to Mexico to have gender-selection treatment for their next baby. All lies, she says, made up simply to trap the person she suspected. And the stories appeared in the paper.
So, who did she suspect? My God, this is tense. To quote Rooney’s tweet: “It’s … Rebekah Vardy’s account.”
Oh. But that doesn’t matter, because the drama has entertained us all day.
Really? Oh God, yes. Within minutes of this happening, people had mocked up memes of Guess Who? boardgame boxes and Scooby Doo featuring Rooney uncovering Vardy’s identity. And asking what mystery she will uncover next. It’s been amazing.
So people are on Rooney’s side? A million per cent. She’s everyone’s new hero. Wagatha Christie, they’re calling her.
Has Vardy responded to this? Almost immediately. In another screenshot, she denied the claims, pointed out that “I’m not being funny but I don’t need the money”, and claimed that Rooney was the real villain for doing this “when I’m heavily pregnant”.
I’m not convinced. Very few people are. But it’s probably worth pointing out that Rooney isn’t a legally qualified detective, so we shouldn’t necessarily jump to any public conclusions.
What about private conclusions? Are you kidding? Jump away! How could you not? This is the most entertaining thing that has ever happened in the history of the world.
Yes but Brexit. Listen, the planet is a cascade of unending misery right now. Two Wags having an unnecessarily public barney on the internet is exactly the distraction we all need. Give us this, you grump.
Do say: “Coleen Rooney is the world’s greatest detective.”
Don’t say: “But what if they both made this up to trick you into leaking it to the press?”