President Trump raised the possibility of military action against Iran this week after an attack on Saudi oil facilities, which his administration has blamed on Tehran. Talking to reporters, Trump praised Saudi Arabia for buying billions’ worth of American weapons, noting that the kingdom paid in cash.
“That would be the worst motivational speech before a war ever. [Showing an image of Mel Gibson in “Braveheart”:] That is like, ‘Why do we fight? Not for our wives, not for our children. No, because they pay cash! Aaaahhhhh! Sometimes Venmo, which we also accept!’” — TREVOR NOAH
“Wait, they paid you $400 billion in cash? How is that even — I think they’re scamming you, dude. [As Trump:] ‘They gave me 400 billion-dollar bills. And you know they’re real because they had Ivanka on them.’” — SETH MEYERS
“So, once again, that is the literal definition of a bribe.” — SETH MEYERS
Trump also said new sanctions could be imposed on Iran, saying, “There’s the ultimate option and there are options a lot less than that.” After Senator Lindsey Graham tweeted that Trump’s “measured response” had been taken by Iran as “a sign of weakness,” Trump said there was “plenty of time to do some dastardly things.”
“O.K., by definition, there can only be one ultimate option. There can be an alternate option, but there can’t be an alternate ultimate option. What does Trump think the other ‘ultimate option’ is? [As Trump:] It’s either go to war, or the ultimate option: power steering and a sun roof, O.K.? All right? It always leaks, but it’s nice.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Trump sounds like an angry kid trying to convince his parents that he’s going to make it as a professional D.J. He’s like ‘My beats are the best, Dad, you have no idea.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“I’m not saying attacking Iran is right, but I’ve never heard the commander in chief call U.S. military action ‘dastardly.’ He sounds like the villain in a 1930s two-reeler.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Yet Another Adviser Edition)
“I know that all of us have been so concerned that, with John Bolton gone, there is no national security adviser. There was no one steeped in all facets of international political, military and economic conflict who could make sense of a dangerous world and give our president the essential information he needs to completely ignore and tweet whatever he wants.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Donald Trump has now gone through more national security advisers than wives.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“It was a busy day for Trump, because he also named Robert O’Brien his new national security adviser. Yep. O’Brien spent the day moving into his new office and said he looks forward to moving out of it tomorrow.” — JIMMY FALLON
“So, that’s interesting — he hired a hostage negotiator, someone who is known to talk madmen down from the brink. That will come in handy. [As O’Brien:] Mr. President, we know you’re locked in the Oval Office, and we don’t want you to do something you’ll regret. Think of your family — wait, no. Think of something you love. Think of — think of a bucket of fried chicken, sir! Think of the nuggets.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
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